God’s not dead, even though last Tuesday I was 100% ready to yeet my faith into the Ohio River, okay?
Look, I’m sitting here in my stupidly cold Ohio apartment at 2 a.m., eating day-old Skyline Chili straight from the container because that’s where adulting has brought me in 2025, and I’m still gonna say it loud: God’s not dead. I’ve tried to kill Him in my head so many times it’s embarrassing. Like, senior year of college I got drunk on Fireball and told my roommate God was just a sky fairy and I was done. Woke up the next morning hugging the toilet and whispering “sorry” to the ceiling like a total hypocrite. https://science.nasa.gov/missions/hubble/science-universe-fine-tuned-life
Why God’s Not Dead When My Life Feels Like a Dumpster Fire
Reason one hit me two months ago when my mom’s cancer came back. I was screaming at God in a Kroger parking lot (yes, literally yelling at the sky in front of the cart corral) and this random old dude in a Reds cap walks by, hands me a butterscotch candy, and says, “He’s bigger than the cancer, kid.” I hated him for being right. I ate the candy. It tasted like childhood and grace I didn’t deserve. God’s not dead; He’s apparently hanging out in Cincinnati parking lots handing out Werther’s through strangers.
The Universe Is Way Too Extra for This to Be an Accident
I’m no scientist, but the fact that Earth is exactly the right distance from the sun, has liquid water, and somehow produced both bacon AND Taylor Swift feels statistically insane. Like, the fine-tuning argument wrecks me every time. I tried the whole “multiverse” cope for a while, but infinite universes also means infinite me’s eating infinite cold chili and that’s a horror movie, not an explanation.
That One Time I Felt God’s Not Dead in a Waffle House Bathroom
True story: 3 a.m. somewhere off I-75, I’m having a full-on panic attack in a Waffle House stall because life was imploding. Some lady under the divider slides me a napkin that says “Jesus loves you” in Sharpie. I laughed, cried, and ordered scattered-smothered-covered like a sane person. God’s not dead; He’s in the hashbrowns, apparently. https://ntwrightpage.com/2016/07/12/jesus-resurrection-and-christian-origins/
History Won’t Shut Up About This Jesus Guy
Every atheist phase I go through, I try to explain away the resurrection and I just… can’t. The disciples went from scared losers hiding in a room to “we’ll die for this”? Either the greatest conspiracy ever or something actually happened. I lean toward the second because conspiracies usually fall apart when you start lighting people on fire, and Rome was real good at that.
- The empty tomb nobody could produce a body for
- 500+ witnesses at once (1 Cor 15)
- James, Jesus’ own brother, going from “my brother is nuts” to martyr
- Paul doing a total 180 from murderer to missionary
It’s too much. God’s not dead; He apparently moonwalked out of a grave and trolled the Roman Empire.
Evil and Suffering? Yeah, I’ve Screamed About That Too
I lost count of how many nights I’ve laid in bed thinking “if God’s not dead, why’d You let my dad die at 54?” I still don’t have a pretty answer. What I do have is Jesus on a cross screaming the same question (My God, why have You forsaken Me?). If God’s willing to bleed with us, maybe the question changes from “why is there pain” to “who’s gonna walk through it with me?” Still sucks. Still true.
My Brain Keeps Betraying My Atheism
Every time I try to go full atheist, my conscience starts glitching. I’ll steal a meme or lie about being busy and immediately feel like garbage. C.S. Lewis said it better: “If the universe has no meaning, we should never have found out it has no meaning.” My desire for justice, beauty, love, it all points somewhere. Or I’m just broken in exactly the way that makes me think God’s not dead.
Near-Death Stories Are Getting Harder to Ignore
I used to roll my eyes at NDEs. Then my cousin flatlined for six minutes last year and came back talking about light and peace and my dead grandma telling him it wasn’t time. He was the biggest skeptic I knew. Now he cries during worship songs. I don’t even know what to do with that except say… maybe God’s not dead and He’s got receipts. https://www.cslewis.com/us/quotes/
Prayer Still Works (And I Hate How Much That Sounds)
I’ve prayed for parking spots and found them. I’ve also prayed for healing and watched people die. But the amount of times stuff has happened that’s too specific to be coincidence? Too many. Last month I was broke and randomly got a Venmo from someone I hadn’t talked to in eight years with the memo “God told me to.” I stared at my phone and ugly-cried in Target.
The Bible Is Too Messed Up to Be Made Up
If I was inventing a religion, I wouldn’t make the heroes a bunch of cowards, liars, and adulterers. Peter denies Jesus three times? David’s a murderous cheater? Paul’s a former terrorist? And women are the first witnesses to the resurrection when their testimony wasn’t even valid in court back then? Nobody crafting a myth writes it this bad on purpose. God’s not dead; He’s just not into propaganda.
I’ve Tried Everything Else and It’s All Empty
Buddhism? Did the meditation thing. Still anxious.
Sex, drugs, success, TikTok clout? Chased it all. Still woke up empty.
Only thing that’s ever filled the God-shaped hole is… checks notes… God. Shocker.
Look, I still doubt. I still cuss too much. I still binge Netflix instead of reading my Bible some nights. I’m a walking contradiction in fuzzy socks eating cereal at 2 a.m. But every time I try to walk away, something pulls me back. Maybe it’s nostalgia. Maybe it’s fear. Or maybe, just maybe… God’s not dead, and He’s stubborn about loving absolute trainwrecks like me.
So yeah. Those are my ten messy, way-too-real reasons. Your mileage may vary. Mine’s currently running on fumes and cold chili, but it’s still running.
If you’re doubting right now, shoot me a message. We can doubt together. Or not doubt. Whatever. I’m just some girl in Ohio who can’t kill God no matter how hard I try.
He’s not dead, y’all. And for some ridiculous reason, that still wrecks me in the best way.
